


Everything’s Ok

by SnekyDoodle



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Pretending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Steven is depressed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21853195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnekyDoodle/pseuds/SnekyDoodle
Summary: He wants to be Steven Universe, the kid that saved the galaxy, the hero and savior of gem and human kind alike.If he wants to be Steven Universe.. then why does it hurt so badly?
Comments: 5
Kudos: 132





	1. A Mirror’s Echo

  
He’ll look into the mirror in the morning, and at midnight he’ll do it again. He’ll watch the bags under his eyes get darker each day coming forth, see the emotion once thick and joyous in his gaze dullen into an emotionless stare, the only feelings hidden underneath a deep sadness from an inner turmoil festered up as flames licking inside him, a calm storm brewing into a depression, a depression thundering into a horrendous hurricane of self-hate and and anguish.

It hurt himself to see how much he’d changed over the years. It hurt to remember how lively and energetic his fourteen year old self had been, and how mopey and depressive he had turned out. The rage held within him was a constant reminder that he could never be the same again, always bubbling like a volcano soon to erupt, always there. Always nagging him with fear that one day, he might just snap.

Yet even that anger always seemed to shift back into a heart wrenching sadness.

A sigh escaped his lips. He straightened his slacked posture, eyes never leaving that damned mirror he wished to smash into thousands of little pieces like he had once heard how Rose had smashed Pink into smithereens. Though, all that turned out to be a facade, a fake.

Just like him, he would think.

Steven Universe.

The name stuck with him wherever he’d go. It was the young child he used to be, the one that loved helping people, always put others first.. and it wasn’t like he’d changed in that part. No, he still loved helping people. He sill wanted to save people.

 _But at what cost?_ He’d ask himself. _My own sanity?_  
  


As if he had any left. The last strands held on loosely, ready to snap at any moments notice. It filled him with a sense of dread and sorrow.

When was the last time Steven genuinely smiled, laughed, or hell even acted? The darkness in his eyes and his heart were beginning to shine through, the gems we’re noticing it and he knew it.

But as long as he hid, wouldn’t it be ok?

As long as he hid the growing scars across his arms and the tears ever casting down his cheeks, wouldn’t it be ok?  
  


It would all pass eventually, right?  
  


_right?  
_

With a long sigh, he forced himself out of the bathroom, making sure to keep his sleeves down, making sure to keep a fake smile plastered so tightly on his face.

The smile sent a pang through his chest.

But that’s ok.

He’s ok.

Everything will be ok if he just keeps pretending.

No one needs to know how hurt he feels, no one needs to even remotely acknowledge his feelings!

Everyone else needs help. _He doesn’t._

Jasper wasn’t right in that fight. It isn’t him. It’s _them_ that need help.

And he’ll do whatever it takes to make it better for everyone.

Whatever it takes.

He’s ok, and they will be too.

So why does it hurt so bad?


	2. Beach Buddies, Beach Breakdowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little Larimar really is too pure for her own good.

His face hurt.

Smiling was beginning to hurt. He could remember his young days, when it had been real smiles he had shown to the world, how he felt sore after giggling too much.

Wasn’t it funny how everything good came with a consequence, even something as harmless as laughter?  
  


Steven sighed, his fingers twiddling with the soft grains of sand beneath him. He sat close to the water, near the boardwalk of Funland. He remembered sitting in this place before, with Amethyst after the rollercoaster had went off its rocker. Steven had been considerably more stable then, much less sorrowful than he’d been.

Night was dawning upon the small city he resided in, the stars beginning to twinkle into life. Twilight washed over him, the beauty of it making his heart hurt.

One thing he still loved was the sky at night. Even that couldn’t be stolen away from him with his.. _issues_.

It all seemed quiet, peaceful.

”Steven! It’s me! Little Larimar!”

Steven had to stop himself from screaming. Having let his guard down for that moment, the sudden sound of a voice cutting through the quiet gave him quite the bigger scare than anticipated.

Whipping around, the familiar face of the ice gem he’d talked to every once in a while greeted him with a bright smile and wave. “I saw you sitting alone! You seemed down, so I got you this!”

A plush of a pink lion was pushed in front of him, a small hum escaping him as he politely moved his hands to take it from the smaller gem. Gazing at it, it didn’t take long for him to realize it looked just like Lion, only in plush form. He would have laughed if it weren’t for the fact he felt so conflicted inside.

Taking a deep breath, he swallowed, then smiled. A fake smile, but still a smile.

”Th-thank you, Larimar. But.. you really didn’t _need_ to, I’m sure some other ge—“ Surprisingly, the usually clueless gem broke him off, putting a finger to his lips. “Ah-ah! You need gifts too, right? And friendship! Just because others need it, doesn’t mean you don’t need it either!”

A sudden warm feeling blossomed in Steven’s chest. It was weak, and struggling to push through the agony he felt inside, but it was something.

”But don’t worry! Little Larimar is here to cheer you up!” Steven barely registered the fact that the ice gem began petting his hair as if he was a cat, staring up at her from where he sat.

It felt like something was in his eyes. Something sliding down his cheek? He watched as his vision blurred, seeing Little Larimar give a small gasp.

Once he realized it, it was too late to hide anything.

Steven was crying, tears cascading in rivers down his cheeks. His mind racked for an excuse, maybe he got some sand in his eyes, maybe his eyes just began to water, allergies perhaps!

But instead, all that came out of his parted lips was a choked sob, eyes closing as if to block the tears back. They streamed continuously while the young male curled in on himself, fingers digging into sleeve-covered scarred arms, teeth biting the lips that covered them so hard they began to bleed.

And small arms wrapping around him from the front, words he couldn’t make out in the midst of his breakdown being whispered soothingly. Steven found his own arms releasing their gold on each other to grip onto his little friend.

He hated himself for breaking down.

He hated himself for needing to be comforted like this.

But for star’s sake, he just _couldn’t stop_.

His grip became crushing. Sobs escaped him furiously, and somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was probably scaring Little Larimar, but he couldn’t help it.

Why is it that he broke down at something so little as being told he has needs and wants to? At being told someone was willing to cheer him up, make _him_ happy, and it not be _Steven Universe_ who was the one bringing joy to everyone else?

After what seemed like ages, exhaustion washed over him. Steven sucked in a ragged breath. His grip loosened around Little Larimar, and he slumped down a little. His weakened body still shook with ragged sobs, tears falling lifelessly to the sand below him.

Steven still felt like crying his heart out, releasing all his anguish and frustration onto whatever was willing, yet his body simply couldn’t take the pressure anymore.

His sleep-deprived form found itself resting limply against the small gem’s body, feeling her shaking him gently as if to wake him up. She was concerned for him, he could tell, but somewhere in the back of his mind he just couldn’t find himself to care enough about getting up and reassuring her he was fine.

He doubt he could of he really wanted to anyways. It was too late to play a full on breakdown as something minuscule. His half-lidded eyes - _when did he open them again?_ \- drifted close, almost instantly did he feel himself succumb to unconscious.


End file.
